"Ten years ago, OK, ten and a day, I was sitting at my mom's house, waiting for Cheyne to get off of work. I didn't want to be home alone, as I was overdue, and had lost part of my mucous plug, a sign that I could go into labor at any time. I kept thinking I was having gas pains, and finally, when the rest of the mucous plug came out, I realized-"this is it!" My mom was at a neighborhood meeting, but soon she and the family were crowded around me, calling Cheyne, and getting him there. My spirits were up, I had prepared intensely for this.
From the moment I read about homebirths and natural birthing in Dr. Sears' Birth Book, I knew it was what I wanted. Being typically Candice, I read voraciously. One huge help to me was Mothering magazine, of which I read tons of back issues. It helped me form a positive assumption in my mind, that of course I could do this, so many women had. I took natural childbirth classes at the birth center, and decided to have my baby there. My prenatals were long, and personal, and always with my midwife, Bonny. I could hear the baby's heartbeat as much as I needed, she taught me how to palpate and feel where the baby was. At 39 weeks, when Sol was breech, no one panicked or ordered an emergency c-section, I just did an old midwife trick of sticking my bottom in the air. I felt him turn. At the next prenatal we were good to go!
I couldn't believe the miracle of my body. I couldn't believe that I would be able to participate in creation, actual creation, while going about my every day life. Nursing seemed so amzing to me, the more I learned about it, the more amazed I was anyone would NOT do it. I learned all these mystical things about being a mother. It was a time of lightness and strength.
So off we went to the birth center, it was a full moon, and it felt like the moon was guiding us along. At the birth center the contractions became more intense, and I went back and forth from the bed to the birthing tub, like a cat, trying to find a way to be "comfortable." Dig that, trying to get comfy while bringing new life onto the planet! I liked the tub the best, and after a quick check-up, when Bonny announced I should move to the bed, if that was where I wanted to have my baby, I looked around and said, "Looks like we are having a water birth."
Yes, it was painful. Pushing was intense, and I felt, through the entire experience, like I was far away, far, far from where everyone was watching and waiting with baited breath. And then, finally, there came a quaking all over and a fire, and I pushed, and right before I crowned my sweet boy, I tell you with certainty, that I saw God. Or His shadow passed over me. He touched my cheek. It was this moment of cosmic rightness so sheer and tenuous, that it immediately tore itself into shreds, and I could not remember anything but it's ocurrence, but it sated me in ways I can never explain.
And then into the water came my lovely boy. Cheyne froze, and Bonny swooped him up, and I said, "give me my baby", and she did. After we had moved to the bed, and he had been completely measured weighed and given his Apgar, all right beside me, we nursed, and gazed, and gazed, and nursed. I sang The Rainbow Connection to him, and then, both being healthy, we went home.
Sol saved my life, in alot of ways. I was a selfish person before I had children. I didn't understand how love could be SO MUCH, or unconditional. I battled for him, and that was practice for having him, but that is another story for another time.
He is a sweet, deep boy. He is a dancer, and a serious Christian. He loves music and books and his brother and sisters. I am just so grateful God gave him to me.
Before we were Christians, we had mentioned Jesus a few times, as well as other spiritual traditions. The day I went into labor with my third child, Aley, Sol was lying on the bed looking out the window. I snuggled up to him and said, "Are you Ok?" He said, "yes, I am just looking at the trees, man." I laughed, and then asked if he wanted me to tell him a story or anything. He said, "I want you tell me about Jesus."
Wow.
That was the beginning of a long journey....."
So, unpacking this, I see a lot of really wise things I learned about
life through the process of giving birth.
One quote that jumped out at me was " I went back and forth from
"comfortable." Dig that, trying to get comfy while bringing new life
onto the planet!"
I find that the lesson of breathing deep, going with the flow, even
though it is intense, crazy different, and painful, is a powerful
one...it has impacted who I am more than anything else.
And I learned it by having babies. Every mama, no matter where
she gives birth, is walking two worlds during that process. The
sheer power of that is alot....but it is not dissimilar to LIFE. We
want softness instead of adventure-it might hurt, we may get
stretched, people may get angry, there could be failure. just like
that twenty one year old prowling around looking for a place to
avoid pain and panic, we all want some illusory comfort
zone...somewhere where we don't have to reach for the fruit
.
I am learning that I have a choice. And i want to ave that sweet
fruit way out on the limbs of my life. And I want to help other
people reach theirs. And i want to insist that everyone get some. I
am willing to share...and to risk. Are you?
Remember, just for a moment, during crowning, when that babies
head is burning through, you get to see God...succulent fruit indeed...
